Old Pots and Leaking Faucets

faucetI’m like that old faucet: the gaskets holding back the pressure of my grief are worn and brittle.  Little rivers of pain now leak out of the weak spots.  I am powerless to stop them until I find a way to remove and reinstall the whole darn thing.  I can’t half-fix me like I did the faucet; I need to rip out all of the old parts and put in new defenses against failure.  Then, I’ll be the man I want to be— the man God intends for me to be. Continue reading “Old Pots and Leaking Faucets”

Darkness and a Mound of Ashes

FullSizeRender (2)I hesitated to write this.  Seeing it on the page only makes it more real.  I hesitated to post it even more, as the act of putting this out for public consumption feels sinfully self-indulgent.  I wrote it, then put it away, then pecked at it again, then let it sit for a couple of weeks to see if I still felt that this was full of the brutal honesty I intended to be.  In the end, I guess my purpose is this:  Down the road, I want my girls to understand that my problem isn’t their fault.  I also want them to know that it is always OK to reach out for help.  I want them to know that if they are struggling, they need not suffer alone.  Insisting on bearing burdens alone isn’t self sufficiency; loneliness is only the state of listening to your own unwise counsel.  And for you, dear reader, know this:  Don’t hesitate to find the help you need.  After spending the past several weeks inventorying the last 40 years of my life, I wish I had reached out much earlier. Continue reading “Darkness and a Mound of Ashes”

Childhood Dreams Fulfilled and a Ferry Ride

 

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My last day as Captain Dad for a while. Saying goodbye to this airplane is like saying farewell to an old friend.

I happen to believe that this is all a part of God’s plan, more or less; at least, I hope that whatever it is that I am doing fits His purposes in one way or another.  One thing is for sure:  Disrupting events aren’t always bad things.  Sometimes they are very good. Continue reading “Childhood Dreams Fulfilled and a Ferry Ride”

Breaking Dams and Sister Time

Winter
An homage to the Bard himself: “Now is the winter of our discontent”

I know that there is a beautiful and sensitive woman in that confused teenage frame.  Maybe I just need to be a better father to help you see it.  I know other fathers must go through this as well, but I can’t help but think that I am exceptionally poor at trying to help you find your way. Continue reading “Breaking Dams and Sister Time”

Accepting Unacceptable

computer and coffee
If I can’t be home, at least there is coffee

Time owns us, in a sense.  It is the one resource that we cannot make more of.  In some ways, I think I am more sensitive to time’s passage than many others; my experiences with loss and my professional life have made me keenly aware of the perishability of both time and our own lives.  So, I am jealous that time dictates the time I have with you.  I wish I could partition off a piece of spacetime, and in doing so reserve a place of impassibility where we could spend our special moments in one another’s company. Continue reading “Accepting Unacceptable”

Christmas Past, Christmas Future: The Real Gifts

Twas_the_Night_Before_Christmas_-_Project_Gutenberg_eText_17135My favorite Christmas memories have been those holidays spent with you, no matter how lean the times were.  I cherished taking you to church and holding your hands as we listened to the familiar verses from Luke and Isaiah.  I never missed reading to you from my copy of Twas the Night Before Christmas.  I would spend hours penning letters to you from Santa Claus, sometimes finishing minutes before you awoke.  Those times are some of the most rewarding moments I have spent alive.  Continue reading “Christmas Past, Christmas Future: The Real Gifts”